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『バンド』 Seijika – Fried Beans and Hillbillies

July 6, 2009

Yawn I am tired. I will buy a million of those 5-hour energy things methinks. Get my mind and body awake! It’s necessary to catch my dreeeeaaaams. But this dead blog isn’t about my dreams, it’s about the things that hinder my dreams: video games. And that is what I shall present to you! This time it’s on a European game called Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood. I will WASTE NO TIME WITH THIS ONE.

Call of Juarez: BiB is an old west shooter that is apparently based on the old spaghetti westerns. You’ll feel no spaghetti noodles in your heart, only Red Dead Revolver could do that. Instead you get what feels like a basic shooter (Call of Juarez … Call of Duty … WHOAHOHO!) but taking place in the old days. The better times where minorities were either enslaved or killed, women were objects, and being Christian was basically law. Anyway, you play as the two McCall brothers and their battle against greed and shiz as they try to get the Juarez treasure. The story mode is so insanely mediocre. It can drag on, there are some buggy clipping issues, and the checkpoints are spaced often before dialogue, making you listen to those awful accents over and over again if you get stuck. There’s this ‘cover’ system that totally blows. It hinders rather than helps. You get by a box, and next thing you know your character is tilting himself upside down at 43 degrees and aiming at the edge of the box while banditos or rednecks are blasting away at your face. It forces you into the cover system; a better alternative would be to have a button activate it. Alas, those crazy Europeans got too caught up in trying to make Clint Eastwood (and failing) to do anything about it. I don’t really feel like talking about the campaign though, it left no impression in a bad way. To online!

Look at this dump...why the shit do we live in this awful state?

“Look at this dump…why the shit do we live in this awful State?”

Online is relatively fun. My experience was made better by joking around with Albertans, but it still has some pretty great things. For example, the class system. There are numerous classes, the first 5 you start with, the rest you must unlock. They are as follows:

-Gunslinger. Wields two pistols, has some dynamite, good for all around junk. Ugly balding man in a trenchcoat.

-Miner. Neo-Nazi with a shotgun, a pistol and lots of dynamite. Total offensive class. I assume he does extra damage against Indians.

-Rifleman. Gunslinger if he took up a rifle. Same ugly head, but wearing more modest clothing. Has backup pistols.

-Sniper. Neo-Nazi who likes to pick off minorities from afar. Uses sniper rifle.

-Native. A Native-American whose only weapon is a bow. It’s silent and deadly,and doesn’t give your position away! Good for spawn killing.

-Scout. A Native-American that bought a sniper rifle to fight back the Neo-Nazi.

-Trapper. An Irish muttonchop trapper who looks very grumpy and rather confused about everything. He is a defensive class with a shotgun to shoot people that look at him wrong.

-Hombre. Mexican in a vest that has two shotguns in each hand. He is the only true Western cliché-spirit in the game. He is the amigo of amigos, the most bueno burrito of them all.

-Spy. Hombre’s pedophile cousin. Weilds a lame ladies gun and a candy bar to lure children.

-Officer. Has the head of the spy, but wears a cop outfit. Has two pistols and looks like he’s got goals. Or maybe it’s just the Spy being sneaky to gain that trust of more children.

-Dualist. A Latino/Irish/Asian looking guy who is the greasiest motherfucker around. He looks like a greasy barber who molests his coworkers. He gets away with it because he has one pistol that happens to be the best in the game.

-Veteran. The most expensive class to unlock. He looks exactly like the Trapper if he got pissed off, drunk, fell in some mud, slapped his wife around, and took out his rifle hoping to shoot some yellow bellies. His rifle happens to be the strongest in the game. Despite being a guy in an ugly poorman’s shirt that looks like it has crap on it…he’s the best class in ability and damage.

Its not as awesome when you do it!

It’s not as awesome when you do it!

Now classes aside, online is still solid.There’s an outlaws versus lawmen mode where outlaws must rob a bank, etc then escape on horseback (which looks hilarious, by the way). Getting kills can be pretty luck based. People blend well in environments and shooting can be weird sometimes. But I assure you it’s a good online experience, made funny with the classes and the southern-accent-monotone announcer and if you have some buddies to be idiots with.

A duel to decide who gets to burn the village down.

A duel to decide who gets to burn the village down.

Overall, Call of Juarez: BiB is only okay. Follows a trend in many shooters where the multi-player is the main hook. Be careful to not play too much though. You might suddenly start liking NASCAR and want to speak in a southern accent. If that happens, burn the game. Burn it with liberal works. My next post will probably be about my much-anticipated and now super popular BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger. I just felt like firing a post out tonight, so sorry if it smells. Or wait, I’m not supposed to show weakness in any form of show business. MORE AWESOME TO COME LATER!!

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4 comments

  1. this is obviously the best Call of Juarez review on the net, due to the description of the “Hombre.”


  2. Wow it sounds like Team Fortress + Call of Duty. Sounds bad though.


  3. Seconding Hojo. A hearty lul was had.


  4. I played the first Call of Juarez for a minute. Didn’t much care for it.



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